completely inappropriate. and therefore, completely hilarious. at least to us.

Me: someBODY once told me the WORLD is gonna roll me…

Catherine: I aint the sharpest tool in the she-ed!

Me: What if you had to have sex with the lead singer of Smashmouth RIGHT NOW or someone would kill your dog?

Catherine: He like, got arrested for rape or something. And I'd do it - even if my dog was safe.

me: I’d do it because I have a soft spot for rapists. I’m super attracted to them.

Catherine: Me too - I like it when the guy's in control of the situation.

me: Yes. He takes the initiative, and that really takes the pressure off a girl like me. Rape advocacy.

Catherine: I'm a rapist advocate. I speak for the voiceless. Give me money to fund my safe house for rapists.

me: Ok. I'll have a fundraiser. Called "Take Back The Night…Again."

Catherine: And the picture on your poster could be a big man and a little woman playing tug of war with the moon.

Me: Clip art style. And we'll have a kids’ haunted house where masked men jump out from behind mirrors. Everyone will be invited!

cat scratch fever.

Someone once told me that 90% of internet content was pornography. I would argue that at least 30% of that supposed 90% [that is, 27% of all internet content] is not porn, but cats. And this would be an awesome argument void of any anger or hostility. Because that would just be silly. Cats on the internet never make people angry!

I realize this is news to no one. Cats on the net have been hot for some time. [Note: I will, from this point in the post on, refer to "the internet" as simply "the net".] In fact, I was starting to worry that cats on the net had peaked. "Jumped the shark" if you will. But today, cats on the net have been re-energized for me, due to my discovery of the low-budge, cat centric, still photo heavy, music video.

I almost died.
Prepare to be awesomed:

It's quite possibly the most gorgeous day in the history of all days ever...

And I'm at work, slightly hungover, space heater going full force. Every few minutes I'll gaze out the window wistfully and imagine myself swimming or running through a sprinkler in a pair of old Umbros or ... not working.

Sometimes I'll do a random Google image search for "dogs in costumes," an activity that unfailingly brings up a new and exciting array of costumed dogs. However, this past week's search dredged up something less whimsical and more nightmarish. It's not a dog wearing a costume per say, but rather a human wearing a dog costume. Technically, the costume in question is a "dog walker" costume, because it's common knowledge that dog walkers are so rare, so uniquely identifiable that a costume is required to recapture the look achieved when walking ones dog.

According to FamilyFun.com, dog walkers are A) Children, B) Charlie Chaplin, C) Hasidic Jews, D) Mustachioed, E) Disproportionately smaller than their dogs and F) In awe of their disproportionately larger dogs. Oh, and G) Male business executives. And H) Prone to owning men dressed like dogs.

Expect a second, equally meaningless post regarding that man's paws/leash/face.

an overheard exchange.

Lady 1: Seth Rogen’s t-shirt looks soft.

Lady 2: It would probably feel good against your back if he was spooning you and you were naked. I'm just saying.

Lady 1: Yeah! Like if I was naked, and he was pantless, but not shirtless, and I could feel his boner on my lower back?


Lady 2: Yes! Or sort of on your butt crack.

Lady 1: Yeah! Like right where I’d have a pilonidal cyst if I led a sedentary lifestyle?

Lady 2: Right there.


Aaaaaand SCENE!

A little old. A lot . . . great.

Let us gaze upon the striped shirt once again.

let me count the ways.

My girl crush on Katherine Heigl grows stronger each day...

my fear of mustard and pickles is ruining my life.

There's really nothing more to say...